he left her picture on his wall
by lightsthatguideus
Summary: Because it was all inevitable. / Finn loses her, and as he goes on, he loses himself. In a sense. F/R, appearances by Puck, A/U,


_Song used: He Stopped Loving Her Today, by George Jones_

* * *

_He said I'll love you 'til I die_

_She told him you'll forget in time_

_As the years went slowly by_

_She still preyed upon his mind_

* * *

It was quick. The three words that sounded in Finn's mind every time he thought of the last sight he had of Rachel Berry resulted in three words-it was quick. She didn't even look back at him, and maybe that was for the best, because the sight of her could've set off the fire in Finn's heart that was already burning.

He's standing the middle of the subway-yes, the fucking subway, because this is so an ending to that sad little romantic movie, where the jealous fiancé is finally vanquished, and the leading lady and her fair night could live happily ever after. But that's the thing-this isn't that romantic movie, because if it were, the knight wouldn't be that inevitable _Broadway _word that used to make him smile with dreams, but now he's crushed with sadness. They told him it'd be like this, and he should've listened to them, but he loved her, and she loved him, and it makes sense, or it did, at the time.

He's thinking this as he stands there, in the middle of the subway, various patrons brushing past him, some giving him odd looks, some not giving a damn. He prefers the latter, because he wishes he could be them-he wishes that he could just walk away, and not keep his eyes glued to her backside. He also wishes she was crying-it sounds cruel, but the only thing that Finn wants is to see those dry eyes he saw only moments ago have some feeling, some sadness, some regret.

But she won't regret it. Because Rachel Berry will be a star, and Finn will always remain that stepping stone to her life.

So that's what Finn remembers; her backside, the subway, and the fact that she didn't cry. He thought of it every day.

* * *

_He kept her picture on his wall_

_Went half crazy now and then_

_He still loved her through it all_

_Hoping she'd come back again_

* * *

Puck helps him within the first couple of weeks; he leaves New York the moment he finally turns away and walks up the steps of the subway, and doesn't come back. Lima is where he truly belongs, and it was stupid to think that he could ever leave. He was stupid in the first place, to think that Rachel wouldn't realize, realize that he couldn't pay for his college tuition, and he missed everything because of work, that that dreadful city of lights tore them apart before they could. Puck makes it better; he tells him that he'll find someone else, and he believes him, just like when they were five, and he told him lies about babies and parents and what not. Because he trusts Puck. In reality, Puck's the only one he trusts anymore.

He doesn't have the heart to tear out the picture he has of her in his wallet, the one that they took a long, long time ago, at graduation, when the birds and flowers were still alive and well in the Eden of Finn's mind. He thinks she looks beautiful, and that it'd be a waste to throw it away. He tells himself he'll just give it to his mom or something and to put it in some scrapbook that she and Burt make, but he doesn't get rid of it. Because he still has a fucking blind hope that someday, he'll wake up to the doorbell, and she'll be standing before him in the rain, just like those romance movies, and tell him that she loves him. But, like it was, the hope was blind.

* * *

_Kept some letters by his bed_

_Dated 1962_

_He had underlined in red_

_Every single I love you_

* * *

He doesn't know what he's doing here, sitting, with the letters in his hand, those from long ago. They're dated at the top, in her neat, pristine handwriting, from several years ago. It was that summer that he stayed in Lima to help Burt with the shop. He'd called it the worst summer of his life, because it was the one without her. And it's weird, because he doesn't remember stuff like that, but it's there, in the letter. He was pretty damn poetic back then, too.

He's looking now at the letter she wrote herself, one of the last ones before he came back to New York, and hugged her and kissed her and told her that he missed her (now who's being poetic?) She tells him about the show, and about her coworkers, and Finn's eyes dare to tear up again as he reads the _Love, Rachel_, because that whole love thing was a damn charade.

They all have fucking love in them too. What was with them? Couldn't they have gone one stupid sentence without reminding Finn of what he had, what she had, what they both promised they'd never let go of? For a moment, in every letter, Finn's knuckles nearly contract, and he almost crinkles it with a stiff fist. But he can't. Because you wouldn't burn your yearbook with the signature of your dead classmate, because you missed them. You wouldn't burn the Bible because of all the crap that happened in it, because you know that in the end, everything's okay. And Finn wouldn't get rid of the letter, because it was the last thing that he had of that summer. The summer she loved him.

He takes them back to Puck's, and in the middle of the night, grabs a pair of scissors, and cuts out every "love" word that he can find

He burns the rest, because he's got the real part of those letters. The parts he meant.

* * *

_I went to see him just today_

_Oh but I didn't see no tears_

_All dressed up to go away_

_First time I'd seen him smile in years_

* * *

The years pass, and he moves on. Not really, but he does. He goes to Burt's shop, and Burt claps him on the back, and tells him that he's proud of him for moving past this whole thing. He hands him a wrench, and sets Finn to work.

He eventually moves out of Puck's house, and before he goes, Puck gives him a sad smile, and hands him the phone number of his wife's friend, telling him to call her. Finn says thanks, but throws the number in the trash the moment he's out of Puck's eyesight.

He moves into a modest apartment, near his old school. He sees Mr. Schuester, and asks him how he's doing, and Schuester asks him how he's doing, but in the end, when he brings up Rachel, Finn just stops talking and cuts the conversation short.

He finds the picture, creased deep into his wallet. He stares at it for a good while, thinking about it. He hasn't heard of Rachel, and he wonders where she is, what she's doing, how she's doing. She's not a star, at least not yet. He wonders if it was worth it. Trading him off for her dream. He guessed it made sense. There were some things he'd give up for other things; important things. But he doesn't know. He just puts the picture back into his wallet, and acts like he never saw it.

And it goes on and on and on and on, just like the song did, Finn thinks one day. He's sitting on his front porch, drinking a beer, smiling at his neighbor's daughter, Emily. They've become acquainted, and Finn calls her "the girl of his life." She thinks it's funny, but she doesn't know the truth behind it.

He hears the phone ring behind him. He sets his bottle down, and walks inside, looking at the caller ID.

It's his doctor.

* * *

_He stopped loving her today_

_They placed a wreath upon his door_

_And soon they'll carry him away_

_He stopped loving her today_

* * *

Puck saw him one last time, and it was a different world. No hair, no life, but still breathing and smiling at him, telling him that he knew it'd end this way. The perfect epilogue to the perfect life, huh, buddy?

Puck laughs, but he doesn't believe it. Finn asks him a favor, telling him that he wants that wreath on his father's grave, on just like it, on his apartment door. He'd already bought the damn thing, he tells him. He wants to leave his mark on it.

It's the last thing he says to him before Puck's ushered out, and Finn waves to him, a hint of a smile on his face. It was the first time that Puck had seen Finn smile in years. Why he decided to grin like that now, Puck didn't know. Maybe it was because he knew it was the end; maybe it was that he knew that he'd finally get over her, because he couldn't think when he's dead.

* * *

_You know she came to see him one last time_

_Oh and we all wondered if she would_

_And it kept running through my mind_

_This time he's over her for good_

* * *

He sees her standing there, in the back of the church. She's wearing the appropriate black, and she looks older-in a good way, Puck thinks. But not as a compliment. In a bitter sense. She didn't deserve to look so good-she didn't deserve to be there. They catch each other's eye, and it's brief, and she looks away, but Puck hopes that she saw what he was thinking.

She eventually walks up to the casket, and makes small conversation with a grieving Carole, who's too busy sobbing to hate Rachel. Hate her the way she should. Puck doesn't bother making conversation with her, because he knows that someone else will, eventually. They have to. Goddammit, they do.

But they don't. Kurt and Blaine and all of them just smile at her, and they hug her back, the worthless sonsofabitches. After a while, Puck stops watching, and goes outside, and lights a cigarette.

He looks at the night stars, and wonders if there's a heaven. Hell yeah, he's Jewish, but he thinks that, if there was, Finn deserved it. He thinks that Finn could've killed anyone, anything, but that he deserves to go to heaven anyway, because of what happened. Because of the fact that he never loved again, never liked again, never smiled again, until that one day.

And if there is a heaven, Puck thinks, Rachel will be right there with him. That was Finn's heaven.

Finn stopped loving her that day, Puck thinks; but that's not true. He'd always love her. Because she's Rachel, and he's Finn, and they're inevitable. And when Rachel dies, and if there is a heaven, they'll be together. Because that's how it's supposed to be.

He flicks the cigarette, and goes back inside.

* * *

_If you've seen this story before, it's because I'm reediting all my stuff. Call it spring cleaning (or don't, because then you'll be a nerd like me.) I'm calling it AU now, I guess. (tearsofsobbingandpassion)_

_I hope you enjoyed it! Review please!_

_-LTGU_


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